It’s been almost two weeks and today was the first day I cried.
There are moments in your life that even the most optimistic viewpoint can’t break through. A few miserable seconds that can destroy your heart without mercy. They don’t happen often. They don’t last long. But their effects ripple into so many parts of your soul you wonder where and when they will show up. Because believe me, sooner or later it’s icy grip always stretches for your throat.
I’d love to write every day and be able to show you all the beauty bursting from inside the ugliness. To be in such devastation and yet find signs of rebirth everywhere. And most days that is true and that is possible. Most days, except today. It has been almost two weeks. That’s two weeks of not sleeping (that’s not Haiti, that just me being a terrible sleeper no matter where I am), two weeks of hard physical labor, two weeks of not getting enough protein and iron to support a body doing so much physical labor, two weeks of living in such an emotionally painful and beautiful country. And it was the hottest it’s been since I’ve arrived (somewhere in the 100’s with humidity so thick you could cut it with a knife.) Needless to say a lot has been building up.
I like to share most things with you. Give you a real taste of what it’s like down here. Who the people are. What their community is about. How they are surviving and healing. How they are still hurting. But there are some things that should never be shared. There are some experiences that no one should witness. And if for some unfortunate reason they do, it is their duty to shelter others from it. Not everything needs to be revealed. Not all hurt is healed through expression.
I don’t know what else to write tonight. I’m having a hard time seeing through the lens of my broken heart. The rain hasn’t fallen in three days. But tonight in between bites of rice, the rain fell deep inside my soul.
No joke, your words are inspiring. Such a strong woman you are, and such a gift to everyone you meet. Keep your head up babe, bad days only make the good ones better. Thinking of you in Chicago and sending my love...
ReplyDeleteIt takes a lot of courage to live in "our" world. To step out of our comfort zone and open our eyes and hearts to those who live in so much suffering and yet still be able to see the beauty. Your heart is breaking and the tears are falling because your cup is full from all the pain you see. Releasing the tears is needed so you can continue. This too will pass. In two weeks you will return to choices of a soft place to sleep, multiple foods to eat and gentler work to do. In between the physical labor you have an opportunity to create a moment for a child. What you are providing those children are memories that will last forever. A moment of laughter to be remembered, a new word in which to communicate, a new song to sing when they feel sad a memory of someone who cared. You are an amazing women bringing light into the darkness. Let the tears fall for each and everyone you meet it only opens your heart further. I and many others will hold you while you cry.
ReplyDeleteOh my girl...hug
ReplyDeleteFrom what I don't understand, I pray your Guardian Angel gives you the strength to release whatever it is to God. Can you close your eyes and just let yourself be held in His arms?
From what I understand, I pray you get a hug, if you haven't already. Even just a touch. I pray you let God give you the restful sleep He wants you to have. I pray you release yourself from any self-inflicted harm. I pray God carries you through any outside harm.
The priest yesterday mentioned something about opening our hearts to God means our hearts are broken. I wasn't sure how to interpret that, or even if I heard him correctly. I pray that if I heard him correctly and understood him enough to pass that on to you, that God will deliver it the way He wants it delivered, or not delivered.
Are our hearts broken so that they will always be open to God's love? Are our hearts broken b/c they can only be healed by God's love? Are our hearts broken b/c they will always be open to God's love? Can we just say that are hearts are open instead of broken? Will that bring the most love? With open hearts can we never be broken? Imagine it is all love.
...bet that priest has no idea his Sunday sermon reached Haiti. Bet you and I are pleasantly surprised about it, yet not surprised either. I cannot get over God's many great small ways.
Love and hugs